"I need to take a break from my own toxicity"

I loathed myself, and I'm poisonous too. I frequently punish myself because I feel inadequate. I frequently fall over. Cry amidst your anguish and uncertainty. Think too much, just like a normal person. I often let my insecurities and perceptions of the negativity around me overcome my faith in God. I still feel anxious about the unknowns and uncertainties. I doubt my ability to fulfill my goal and complete the race. Specifically in my chosen career, it feels like I am striving to survive every day while being stuck in a deep pit. Knowing that as a believer, I ought to be stronger because I have hope, not like this. But I can't deny that there are times like these when giving up seems easier.

My passion, inspiration, and drive to pursue this goal were waning. I was pretty down the past several days. I had the impression that nothing had changed. And the passing of the days feels more difficult.

I was grieving with my own toxicity. All the negatives hit me back and forth. I was overwhelmed with my own insecurities and anxieties, not even minding what the Lord thought of me. I was asking Him, to give me more reasons to continue on, to give me faith to trust Him more. I was asking for His strength because I am too weak to endure it all. And yes, His grace lifted me and reminded me of Jesus, my only Hope, and my only Savior.

This verse reminded me of the hope that I have in Jesus Christ.

Praise to God for a Living Hope.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead,  and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.  In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  

These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

1 Peter 1:3-9

I fell once again into temptations, into my own selfish deceptive thoughts and desires. Forgetting His Words, His promises, and He Himself as my Lord and Savior.

Lamentations, trials, anguish, and suffering are all genuine aspects of existence. However, through Jesus Christ, the Lord gave us hope. He is a live example of hope; perhaps there will be more hardship or our wait for a breakthrough will be longer. But in the end, His Words will be all that matters because they remain unchanged and His promises are fulfilled. I recall Katie Davis Major saying, "He wasn't promising me a world without trouble, without heartbreak along the way. He was promising me Himself."

Looking around His creation, I see stunning trees, verdant fields, lofty mountains and skies, raging oceans, the oxygen that sustains us, and much more. His creations reveal His majesty even more. I'm too illiterate to not believe that His ways and thoughts are greater than mine. His plans go beyond this. I've never seen oxygen before, and I might never. Even though I'll probably never see Him, I believe He lives in me, and His words uplift me every day. I began to close my eyes and take another deep breath of His grace.

Published by Merrel Ya

A lady who has been pondering her hope into Christ, inhaling His grace, and enjoying the beauty of life. Writing about life, asking God about "kuliglig sa kanyang dibdib."

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