“I need to take a break from my own toxicity”
I’m toxic too and I hated myself also. I often beat myself for not being enough. I stumble a lot of times. Cry in the middle of frustration and confusion. Overthink a lot, like a usual person. See all the negativities around myself, and often times insecurities over power my faith and belief in Him.
I am still afraid of the uncertainties and the unknowns. I don’t know if I am able to do my purpose and finish the race. It feels like , I am in the midst of deep hole, and just trying to survive everyday, particularly in my chosen profession. I know that as a believer, I shouldn’t be like this, I should be stronger because I have hope. But, I can’t deny that time like this come, when it feels easier to give up.
I was losing motivation, encouragement and passion to continue this purpose. This past few days, I was really hopeless. I felt that everything is just the same. And days seem longer, and harder to endure.
I was grieving with my own toxicity. All the negatives, hit me back and forth. I was overwhelmed with my own insecurities and anxieties, not even minding what the Lord thought of me. I was asking Him, to give me more reasons to continue on, to give me faith to trust Him more. I was asking for His strength because I am too weak to endure it all. And yes, His grace lifted me, and reminded me of Jesus, my only Hope and my only Savior.
This verses reminded me of the hope that I have in Jesus Christ.
Praise to God for a Living Hope.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.
These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
1 Peter 1:3-9
I fell once again into temptations, into my own selfish deceptive thoughts and desires. Forgetting His Words, His promises and He Himself as my Lord and Savior.
Suffering, hardships, grief and even lamentations are really part of our life. But, the Lord gave us hope through Jesus Christ. He’s a living hope, maybe there will be greater suffering, or our waiting may be longer before we get a breakthrough. But in the end, all that will matter is His Words, it remains the same and His promises are true. I remember Katie Davis Major , she said that “He wasn’t promising a world without trouble, without heartbreak along the way. He was promising me Himself.”
And now, looking around His canvas, beautiful trees, green pasture, high mountains and sky, roaring oceans, oxygen that keeps us alive, and the list goes on. His creations speak more of His glory. I am too dumb not to think that His ways and His thoughts are higher than mine. He has greater plans .
I never seen the oxygen, I may never see it. I may never see Him but I deeply feel His presence and His Words sustain me everyday.
I started closing my eyes, and inhale His grace once again.
