I hate myself when I am dwelling on this kind of thought. I feel I am inside the box, unable to do things, unable to see places, unable to process things, and unable to walk my feet. It feels really hopeless, we have many limitations right now. Actually, right now I am afraid. I am afraid that all of the things that I am doing will be in vain. I can’t see any progress, I can’t see any light. I really desire to be in another place, to experience and to explore new things. But, it seems that I don’t have any choice nor options.
Maybe I was just so ambitious, I want MORE in life. Not necessarily materials things, but I want to have a clearer vision of this life, my PURPOSE: to have meaning and sense here in the world. I thought, life will be easy if you have a job, but my eyes are wide open to the reality of life.
I realized it is somehow true that the wealthier a person is, they will have more choice in life. I wanted to do something but I can’t right now. I need to work hard before doing those things. It is so hard, seeing my family like this. I really need to do something. Life is really hard.
I also get tired; listening to other stories, helping others, and being fully present in times of need. I also run out of water, so I need to keep running back to the giver of the living water. You know what, have you experience this situation? Because right now I am really trying to conquer these feelings and emotions, yet I am not sure if this is valid. I always try my best and give my best to other people who are close to me. I tell what’s inside my heart, I share my soul. But, right now I feel that they are not true to me. I don’t hate them, but it’s just painful. I don’t have the right to be this dramatic, maybe they don’t consider me. I just felt it. It feels so painful if you’re not included anymore.
I just want to write it because there’s no place to go, no shoulder to lean, but I am thankful in this blog. I can freely express myself without hesitations. Though, no one is really trying to take a glimpse at this site. But, I am hoping that in the future readers will be inspired and be hopeful when they come across here. Loving others is painful at times.
I am so vulnerable and I hate it. I often beat myself when situations seem worst and when my thoughts rambled in my head. At times, I also don’t want to see myself. I am suffering from great insecurities, but thank God I am in the process of conquering them. Hence, there were really times that I was beaten so badly,that I couldn’t fight back using His Words. I know His Words that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, but at times we are just longing for affirmation. I just realized then that loving ourselves is the hardest thing.
Yeah, my life is messy. No one would dare to touch messy things. But, my Savior touched the unclean, listened to the brokenhearted, healed diseases, and rose from the dead. He’s been doing it all the time. I don’t feel him at times, but my faith should not be based on that. Believing in the unseen is more beautiful and it’s eternal. Yes, life is hard but He didn’t promise that it would be easy, hence He promised to be faithful. He is loving God, he continually loves us despite our imperfections, weaknesses, and insecurities. His love covers our sins and redeemed us from great devastation. I need to remind myself of these.
I asked our pastor if my decision was right before. I said, “how would I know if I’m in the right place?” He answered directly, “you are in the right place if you keep on going and talking to our Lord.” I reminisced a bit and you know what I realized back then, I am still in the right place. Maybe if I would not be in this family, in this workplace, and in this church; I already destroyed my life. I wouldn’t know Him better, I would not see these underrated miracles every day. These situations allow me to dig deeper into His Words, to bend my knees, to look up to Him, and to be courageous in this world. I cling more to Him, not to myself. I hope more to Him and believe that He can still revive our situations today.
Hey, my dear friend! Maybe, you are like me who are also longing for another place. You hate already that desert land, you also want to be on the mountaintop but you are struggling too. There’s no place to go right now. But, let us not be weary in doing good, in praying, and in clinging to His promises. Maybe in the next season of our lives, we will be in the place that we want to be. But right now, let’s continue sowing seed even in a weary and dry land. Our God is greater. And you know what, our work is not in vain when we give it to the Lord.
So, let’s just live for today. Let’s live in the place where we are right now because when we don’t have anywhere else to go, that’s where exactly where He wants us to go.” Just stay rooted!
AJA! KAYA NATIN YAN!
